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Pandemic Feared as Piggy Bank Flu Spreads

ATLANTA (TSO) - The Center for Disease Control today issued an ominous warning that the piggy bank flu could soon become a pandemic, infecting and destroying every piggy bank in the nation.

The disease, which sucks every remaining drop out of children's piggy banks, is reportedly caused by excessive spending and spread by pork projects that have little or nothing to do with stimulating the economy.  "You don't typically see the symptoms immediately," explained Dr. Claire Montgomery of the CDC.  "In fact, many infected piggy banks won't exhibit signs of being terminally infected until perhaps a generation later."  "Of course at that point there is nothing that can be done."

The CDC urges parents and children to stockpile as much money as possible and try to avoid any contact with raw pork, Bill Mahar or the federal government.

Vice President Biden ‘Wicked Jealous’ Over Napolitano Gaffes

WASHINGTON (TSO) - Vice President Joe Biden is reportedly so jealous over Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano’s recent high profile gaffes that he is no longer speaking with her.

Biden, admired for his uncanny ability to say remarkably unintelligent things at the worst possible times, is furious the Homeland Security Secretary is receiving so much publicity over her recent public gaffes.  “Look, I’m at a luncheon about to tell a joke about handicapped people and she releases the whole ‘veterans are extremists’ memo.”  “It’s like she does it on purpose,” explained the visibly angered Vice President.  “Then, I’m about to give a speech in Detroit on its importance to the orange juice industry and she drops the ‘Canada is responsible for 9/11' thing.”

The feud has forced the President to suspend a meeting with Attorney General Holder this morning regarding prosecuting Republicans.  Insiders tell Spotted Owl News the President is concerned Biden will carry out his threat to “open a can of gaffe whoop ass” if Napolitano is not reigned in.

Spotted Owl News field correspondent Spotted Salamander contributed to this report.

Terrorist Finds Administration’s Definition of Torture Hilarious

ISLAMABAD (TSO) - As Taliban terrorists march towards the Pakistani capital, at least one is having a difficult time keeping a straight face as he searches for women and barbers to beat with a stick.

“I know there are some techniques that are the subject of legitimate debate among Americans,” said the masked jihadist as he continuously and vigorously slammed a solid wooden stick against the jaw of a barber who shaved a man’s face.  “I get that.”  “What I cannot understand, is how anyone can legitimately describe waterboarding, uncomfortable temperatures and the caterpillar thing as torture.”

Taking a break from mercilessly flogging the backs of women who failed to cover their ankles, he continued, “I mean, if you want to read me the Miranda rights, that’s your call.”  “But good grief, if you want to know what torture is come by the safe house in about 15 minutes when we are going to mutilate a journalist just for the hell of it.”

Meanwhile, terrorists continue advancing on the capital of this nuclear-armed country as U.S. Justice Department officials focus their attention on prosecuting political rivals.

President Bows Deep to Left, Strains Back

WASHINGTON (TSO) – After reassuring the American public that he would not act like a two-bit dictator and prosecute his predecessor on trumped up charges, President Obama bowed deeply to the left, straining his back.

“I think I tweaked it when I tried to kiss the Saudi king's shoes the other week,” said the President while resting in the White House. “Then I aggravated it yesterday when I basically touched my forehead to my knees out of dutiful submission to a small minority of the American public.”

The President concedes he's had a rough week and will use the rest of the day to rest and perhaps do some stretching in order to prevent such injuries in the future.